How Do You Want To Be? Is It Different Than How You Are?

We are not always as we would think we should be. I was about to say .. like to be, but when I think of how I am at times towards others .. and how I don't seem to care at the time.. then I guess I am being at the time how I want to be.

Later like now .. when i review my actions .. i think .. ok.. do something like this .. define how you want to behave .. I think I have done that before .. but ultimately .. every circumstance is different .. and the behavior that I am trying to curtail .. comes out.

I feel a sadness sometimes.. anyway .. getting back .. I know there is certain situations that bring out the worst in me .. that I let bring out the worst in me .. because it is a choice ...life is always about choices.. sad .. sad about a lot of stuff ... sad that I can not stop the pain in the world ..and sad at the pain I have caused.

Now if anyone actually ever reads this blog .. no I am not talking anything crazy .. i am talking about everyday relationships with the people we love .. and care for .. and how we do not always act in the most caring way. I am also talking about people we work with ..I know there are a lot dicks in the world .. sometimes I am a dick.

You probably are too. Aren't you...? We all are ... at times... self centered .. all concerned and involved in our selves.. You know this life is just temporary .. why we are here .. I do not really know .. I mean there are theories that make sense .. but I really do not know the reasoning .. I will say .. life in this realm is .. because it is worth living ..

I know from an intellectual point of view that being nicer to someone .. is good .. now I know that some circumstances do not warrant niceness .. I would just say .. that keeping hate out of my heart .. trying to make other peoples lives better .. more happy .. like giving a treat to someone who can't get one for themselves..

Update to life 2 days before birthday 54

I think that life entails more than just living it. It entails thinking about what we have done, what we do in the process. We make a lot of decisions day to day .. decisions that effect other people. I think in reflecting on how we are .. we think about these things we have decided to do and whether it was a good thing or not.

For one thing, most things we do at the time seem to be a valid action that was decided upon at the time. Well not always.. obviously things decided upon under great duress or under extreme emotions .. well we know almost from the get go that they were not right.

Sometimes we decide upon reflection of our behavior to change. It is my belief that God does not judge either way .. we judge our selves. God does not inspire guilt .. our own conscious does..

I feel sad at times over the conditions that exist and the outcomes of my behavior towards them. Feeling sad and bad is a great motivator to change. I read once that the two great motivators in how we behave is pain and pleasure and that we will do more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure.

Probably true... anyway .. I am tired now .. if you read this .. it is vague on purpose .. one has to be careful online about what one reveals about ones personal life .. don;t you think?

At Work By Myself Again

Well here I am at work, on Sunday by myself ..again. I am suppose to have a partner in crime here, but more often than not anymore she doesn't come into work for this reason or that reason. I am just suppose to be happy about it. Anyway I'm writing this post in some what of and attempt to vent out negativity. You see I knew she was not coming in yesterday, she informed me of that decision days ago, however.. Oh I just received a text..she fell a sleep, worked her other job last night. . And is on her way. Understandable, anyway se la vie